“Seth material” search engine (Jane Roberts)

(Today in our talks Jane and I said a lot of things about our goals, purposes, distractions. Jane talked to several people here today who reminded her that there was always a need to be filled regardless of location, about such things as reincarnation, dreams, etc; this also made us feel that we could work out here, in living arrangements and income, as well as anywhere else. In addition, my pendulum told me today that my hand symptoms stemmed from my fear of failure as a fine artist—nothing else.

Unconsciously you feel that because you are the oldest son you should be the money-maker, in your mother’s eyes; but she never considered painting as such as financially rewarding. You still do not want to hurt her feelings. You are still trying to be yourself and the self you think she wants you to be, as far as you are able. Certain concessions for example you would never make, but you are still unconsciously bothered here, whether you know it or not.

Some of your own energy has been held back then from your work for that reason. You often tie yourself in knots, considering alternatives, none of which are ever taken. Hence a continuing sense of upset results. This is also the result of so double-checking impulses that few of them are followed through. As a result no clear-cut decisions are made, and the feeling of being off balance ensues.

When this continues you project negatively on all alternatives so that change always seems disruptive and negative. The possibilities of its creativity are often forgotten. You have both done well communicating your feelings lately. Ruburt’s idea of actively searching out his usually repressed feelings is excellent.

He also often voices some of your own fears. Together this helps both of you. These feelings may be charged because they have been so repressed. He is learning, just lately now, how to release them, and the body is beginning to let go. But do not let these repressed feelings blind you to the beneficial qualities of your situation right now, or its creative possibilities.

You both do have an inclination to overstate your problems, and concentrate on them in an effort to solve them, and as you know that is not the answer. Ruburt should write in a personal diary if he prefers, but write his feelings several times a week. A half-hour at a time is fine, plus the effort to express any normally negative feelings at once.

The effort made in any creative change would be nothing compared to the constant feeling of unease that could result simply from a fear of change. In a fear of change there is only tumult, and no peace. As you know, it does no good to worry about the time you may sometimes feel was “wasted” (in quotes) in the past. Great damage can result however by projecting such feelings of time waste into the future.

Releasing the repressed feelings will also clear the way for freer expression of joy and exuberance, so while repressed feelings are being freed, do not forget to concentrate upon the positive aspects also. You do both, when you are together—often now, but not always—still concentrate upon Ruburt’s symptoms, so that they seem to block out all else. When either of you forget yourselves in work, conversation, other people, then the symptoms automatically decrease to some considerable degree. Now take your break.

Now. Several portions of the personality have already helped in the release of repressed feelings; the conscientious self particularly, which was the greatest repressor. In any cases of great repressive nature, one part of the personality may act alone in the beginning but later it must get the cooperation of other portions.

Any release therefore involves all of these cooperating parts. They follow the leader, so to speak, each part repressing various areas. In what has happened in the last few days, the conscientious self gave its consent to the release of various groups of thought and feeling it previously kept hidden.

Other portions followed, beginning to release those feelings generally under their sway. The sexual implications last evening, generally under several various areas of personality, could not have come into consciousness, for example, without the consent of the conscientious self, which says often “No work, no sex.” And often says “No sex anyway. It must go into ‘good’ creative work.”

On your return I expect you to concentrate your energies in both of your works, then in maintaining communication. Now the sexual area can serve as a great aid, and will be quite illuminating. Ruburt’s ambiguous feelings and the various stages of repression are clearly seen there. There are points where he wants to cry, and if he lets himself feel these stages you will be able to recognize them and go beyond them. They are symbols of course for release of various kinds, and the blockages or points of conflict will clearly show.

Emphasis should not be on performance but on expression, and Ruburt particularly encouraged to express all feelings, no matter how ambiguous. There are natural results, activations of hormones, quite necessary, that are released at such times that greatly benefit the system. The ambiguous feelings must be expressed. The drive, when it shows itself as last evening, is often irritating because the muscles and nerves connected have been so held back, instead of a clear flow of sexual energy then.

With all of his repressions, love-making became the most loaded time, for in a moment of weakness he feared he might spill out his feelings about your job and all the other material that has come to light.

(11:00. Jane remembered some of the data, and knew it was charged—she could feel it. Both of us were getting tired so we ended the session.)